Some time ago, my oldest son did something that got him in big trouble. He received stern discipline, and a few days later, he did it again.
I called him into my office and closed the door. I crouched down to look at him, and I asked him if he knew why he was in trouble. He nodded.
We were both quiet for a while. Honestly, I was praying, trying to figure out what to do.
Finally, I asked him “What do you think would be a fair punishment?” And that’s when he lost it.
My son is very sweet and compassionate kid, often content to go second, or even last if there are other kids who really want to go in front of him. He never brags about what he has or puts other kids down to make himself feel better. And he’s more likely to give you half of his piece of gum than keep the whole thing for himself. But on this day he had crossed a very clear line, and his tears were sorry and nervous at the same time.
He had no answer. I asked, “Do you think it would be fair if you received no punishment at all?” He quickly raised his eyebrows and started nodding up and down vigorously.
“Really?” I said. “That would be fair?” My kids are like most kids in the US, fond of keeping track of what is fair or not fair.
He drooped his head and acquiesced. No, that would not be fair, we decided. He cried for a little while, in anticipation of discipline, and feeling badly for what he’d done. Eventually I said, “OK, since we agree that it would definitely not be fair if you received no punishment at all, that’s exactly what we’re going to do.”
He was confused.
“Even though you should be punished for what you’ve done, you will receive no punishment. We are going to do what’s not fair and call it good. Do you understand?”
He smiled, wiped a few tears away and I gathered him into my lap, and we just hung on to each other for a while. After a few minutes, I asked him not to tell his brother or sister about what had happened. If they asked, he was just to say it was “between me and dad.” But they never asked.
Amazingly, since that day, he has never made the same mistake that got him in such trouble. But my excitement is not about some neat parenting trick that inspired behavioral change. The more important thing that happened was the almost tangible experience of grace for my son.
So far, this is the only time I’ve done this. It had never occurred to me before. But I hope God provides the opportunity for me to give this experience to my other 2 children at some point. My parenting so often involves so many missteps and seeming failures that I’m eager to share the few successes I cling to as the proof of God’s presence in the midst.
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Originally posted at Slugs & Bugs
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Great and godly parenting. Thanks for sharing. Prone to drive over the speed limit in high school and early college, i received several tickets, but one night i was pulled over for 20 over (wreckless driving here in WV!) and with my previous tickets, my licence should legally
have been suspended. BUT, grace! It’s a long story but after insuring that i felt the full weight of my offense, the officer let me go with a warning. i have, of course failed to obey the law sveral times since then, but the habitual nature of my speeding problem was cured over night. Grace motivates in ways that duty doesn’t. And God is seen as beautiful!
Wow, this opens my eyes to an amazing approach which I’ve never taken before. It may be the answer I’ve been looking for.
I love this stuff too and have seen the fruit of mercy over justice. Alyssa had a similar post a while back. Great reminders! http://www.storywarren.com/sacred-surprise/
I love this, Randy. It encourages me not just to show grace, but also to stay the course when discipline is required. Your son recognized grace because he clearly knew that it was not fair – he understood that he deserved discipline, just as we all deserve God’s judgement for our rebellion.
I don’t enjoy corrective discussions, or dispensing consequences for my children’s sin. But it gives me heart to remember that this work is building a frame in which to properly display the beauty of mercy.
What a beautiful story of parenting grace! I relate to the part about being “gathered” into my father’s lap and “we just hung on to each other for a while” because that’s what happens often with my Abba.
The lyrics to this song explain it all:
http://youtu.be/lUm3hcFxrkk
“My parenting so often involves so many missteps and seeming failures that I’m eager to share the few successes I cling to as the proof of God’s presence in the midst.”
Thank you for bringing them to us. We are all imperfect reflections of the Father, but when he does shine through us… wow.
Kraig and I have been praying for ways to extend grace to our eldest daughter. She’s one of those passionate, brilliant, often selfish and obstinate, yet sensitive souls and she tries us like anything. I love her to pieces, but I feel like I’m more often than not coming down hard on her. I keep praying for wisdom and that we’ll have some of these grace moments.
Amen, brother! I’ll cling to the proof that God’s in the midst as well. (A friend of a friend tossed me your way…I’m glad they did).