I think it was Peter Leithart who said, “Let there be a garden of Yes surrounding your tree of No.” I love that. It’s hard, if you are an engaged parent, to keep from saying “No” all day long. There are so many opportunities! So it’s a gift when you can seize upon a Yes. It’s a beautiful thing, that word yes. Often it’s a magic incantation to unlock a door in your relationship with your kids. So, count me as firmly on Team Yes.
But saying “no” can also be a gift.
Have you met children who seem to have rarely ever heard the word no? Have you seen how they react when that word is used? We tend to use words like “spoiled,” “entitled,” “brat,” “undisciplined,” and some less friendly ones.
Sure, it’s a gift to say “yes” to our kids. But it is also a gift to coach them to hear and receive the no. Every no is a yes to something else.
Life is not going to stop throwing noes at them till the coffin closes, so how can we help our kids grow into maturity in this way?
Hearing no with humility is a great heresy of our era. You can be forgiven much, but when you feel like you want to do something and a mean old person (or institution) says “no,” you are considered a fool for listening to that “no.” We are so many spoiled children, kicking in the aisles and stuffing rat poison in our mouths. “You can’t tell me what to do!” we cry.
It seems like nearly every dad in every movie is an over-reacting fool and taking his no seriously is joke. He is a forbidding punch-line. We love the young anti-hero, the selfish, brooding loner who is all about peeling out in his motorcycle and going from girl to girl on a whim. He is admiringly referred to as a heart-breaker. Way to go fella, you’re using girls for your pleasure and then discarding them like candy-wrappers. I think we’ll call you the protagonist. “Nobody tells me what to do!”
The fact is mature people need to hear “no” –and they know it. It’s hard, yes, to be thus thwarted. But it’s good for us. Every no is a yes to something else.
[Caveat: I understand that some noes are just evil. When Daniel was told to stop praying to the True God, he took that no and happily ignored it. Thus always to idolaters. But I think the key might be, especially in this discussion, where we are getting our Noes and Yeses from. Remember that The Church of the Holy Zeitgeist features that popular marvel of construction, a foundation of sand.]
Our first parents had a garden of yeses. They had fruit trees everywhere and “sure thing, knock yourself out” as far as the eye could see. All clear with one very minor exception. And the dragon moved in, as he has ever since, on the Lonely No.
Has God really said?
Pick up a newspaper and read “Has God really said?” in a hundred stories. Sons and daughters of the fallen firstlings, nodding at the smooth-scaled dragon’s explanations. “You have to be yourself.” “Don’t let anybody tell you what to do.” “You have a right to…” “It’s who you are.”
Who I am is a liar. By nature. A rebel, by nature. By nature, I’m a selfish usurper to heaven’s throne –like my fathers before me. Now, that’s not the end of the story. I’m more than that and less of that than ever, by Christ. I’m a beloved son in the Kingdom of Light where everything is Yes and Amen in Jesus.
“It’s who you are,” can really be a call to surrender. It’s also only partly true –a favorite tactic of dragons. “It’s who you are” is an invitation to ignore The Story and a narrative arc bigger than our immediate, perilous challenges. (Though these challenges are very, very real.)
Jesus is the Last Adam and he is in the head-crushing business. Unlike the first Adam, mutely standing by while his bride became captive to the dragon, Christ has stepped in to rescue. That’s the good news and a great story.
Part of the result of the good news in us, his children, is that we are being taught to say no to the vapid, rotting corpse of open rebellion to God. We are being trained to hear that no as a yes.
Every no is a yes to something else. Can we see it?
I know it’s hard! When our bodies say “I need this” it is hard. When it feels like the core of our identity is wrapped up in this struggle, it’s so hard to hear the no! I’m not pretending it’s easy and I’m not pretending it’s “those other people’s” problem. No. It’s my problem. I don’t know anyone for whom sin doesn’t come naturally. It’s part of our awful inheritance. But keeping the alliance with the dragon, though it comes naturally, is not a good war policy. We need to make a stand and help our children learn to do the same.
It is essentially a question of humility vs. pride. Will we join the (currently –and perennially– chart-topping) chorus of, “Has God really said?” or will we humble ourselves before God, so that he may lift us up? How can we help our kids live –really live? We can call them to mature humility, surround them with tales of humble heros. We can invite them into the humble adventure of obedience –the hard and happy tale of neither rebelling against, or pretending to be, God.
I want to raise my children to hear the necessary no as a yes to something else, something better. This should, I hope, be true in our homes. It is certainly –yes, certainly— true of the promises of God. At least in the big story. And that is what we are in for, the long story. This is who Christians are, characters in the story God is telling in the world.
What sort of characters are we? Of course this essay is very challenging to me, personally. Convicting. But my own struggle with the no isn’t a good reason to abandon my kids to the dragon. We must all fight on, wounded as we are.
What sort of characters are we helping create in our children?
The story at this moment is always a hard place to hear the dreaded no. It’s hard to see how denying what feels like my most basic desires can possibly be a good thing.
But there is a big Yes in this story. This story is Yes and Amen.
So, yes, let’s say “yes” every time we can. But let’s remember who we are, characters in a bigger story than just what we can see and feel in this moment. Helping a child see a no as a possible yes to something better in little ways will equip her, or him, for the ever-expanding challenges of life under the sun.
As the man said, Christianity is a dragon-fighting religion. Fight on, under God, with humble hearts. This is a very real battle.
You will need courage. And grace.
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Featured image taken from Paolo Uccello’s Saint George and the Dragon, 1470
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You put into words several things that have been on my mind lately. It’s exhausting to continually say no. From this I’m learning, sometimes I say “no” out of my own selfishness/laziness, but often I say “no” because I do want to raise my kids in a way that counters so many of the things happening in our culture. Even the good and needed nos are exhausting sometimes, but there is hope, like you said, because we are part of a much, much bigger story that what is happening in our individual homes.
I agree, Kristen. It ain’t easy. Thanks for fighting on and for your (regular) encouragement.
Yes, yes. I wish I could send this to every parent I know.
Let’s spam them. It’s not annoying, right? 🙂 Thanks for the kind words, Natasha.
Sam, YES! So much wisdom in this essay for kids and adults!
Technical problems. Don’t know why my comment above showed up as “Guest.”
Be our guest, be our guest, put our….. OK. Thanks, Brenda. Your regular encouragement is so powerful for my good.
As a relatively new father, this is so helpful. We are on the cusp of having a mobile infant (he’s thinking really hard about crawling), which means we are also on the cusp of saying “no” a lot. Thanks Sam! I love your writing.
That is very kind of you to say, Justin. Blessings on you as you lovingly lead your son.
Two weeks ago, our pastor preached on that first “has God really said.” I wrote this down: The exaggeration of what God prohibits is a scheme and it destroys freedom.
I’m in a season of discovering true freedom, and this essay reminds me that even when I hear a “no” it’s because I’ve been set free. No is for my own good. And for God’s glory.
Woh. That is excellent, Sarah. I get the “exaggeration” part. From Eve to me, it does seem like a sign of something amiss. Great words. Thanks for sharing them and thanks for reading here.
Ah, keep saying this. I need help with the garden of Yes — and with finding the Yes to the No. Like you said, it’s easier to see that Yes from a distance… but of course we can’t parent from 5,000 feet. What a great struggle, though.
Yessir. Thanks, Peter! A worthy fight, indeed.
I like this. I like it a lot. The current trend in parenting seems to be that we should extend grace rather than punishment when faced with rebellion (although I’m not quite sure what that looks like). But the dragon can take up residence within our own hearts all too easily.
Yeah, I am all for grace too. But it seems graceless to me for us to be passive when our kids are rebellious.
“Art consists in drawing the line somewhere.” Chesterton
Well said! I need to remember the no is a yes to something else in my own life as well as learn to pass that on to my children.
Me too. Thanks, Melissa.
Thanks, Sam. Good words.
Thanks, Emma.
I absolutely loved this. Sharing it this weekend with my readers! Thank you!
That is very kind, Kris. I’m very happy to hear you found some encouragement in there.
Taking heart, that the “no” will be for their good and God’s glory!
Don’t lose heart!
The teacher in me says yes, but…. help them learn how to say no to themselves. Help them make that transition to maturity.
Yes. We are aiming at something we can only for now imagine. A mature human being.
Great article Sam. I’m reminded of several recent animated movies which feature stubborn, insolent children as the ‘hero’s,’ who get told ‘no’ (rather weakly) at the beginning, but then go on to show us all how really wise and able they are and that, really, everyone should have listened to them from the beginning. If Proverbs 22:15 is correct, then our culture is really paving the way for some exceptionally stupid adults. .
Thanks, Ben.
That is so pervasive in films, is it not? I’m always happy to see exceptions, or at least something more nuanced.
We notice the same trend in film all the time–both in children and adult movies–where authority is never wise and loving, but bumbling and dumb and happily bucked. I think it’s more insidious than all the violence and sex. Do you have some good exceptions that you like?
Thanks 🙂
I agree. A high “cuss-count” is not as deadly as this kind of bent narrative about rebellion.
I really thought Brave was going to go that way, but really didn’t. Legend of the Guardians: The Owls of Ga’Hoole was excellent in that way (and so many other ways). The Adventures of Robin Hood (Errol Flynn) is a favorite –and contra the stereotype, is really about true loyalty, not rebellion. Wow, I know I’m tired, but it really should be easier to come up with more. LoTR, of course.
Of course the Christian worldview (reflecting reality) is so comprehensive and nuanced, it can account well for all kinds of tales, including foolish authority. But it does seem out of balance in modern story-telling. (Maybe it’s partly because it really is out of balance –fathers, for instance, aren’t exactly performing at a very high standard in the US.)
Have you found some stories where authority is a source of good?
Yes, reality probably is out of balance in favor of foolish authority. The nuance is important, and I think our generation has become fairly good at recognizing abuse of authority and rejecting it. But we’ve lost the other side. Of course, the power of story telling is that it can help us imagine and long for and see the goodness of what should be! And God’s authority is never foolish or abusive.
As for stories…hmm, I’m making my way through many of the Rabbit Room books (well known to everyone on this site, I’m sure), and I can’t wait to read them to my children as they grow. I’m also having trouble thinking of many examples. This will be a good exercise for me, I’ll be thinking and on the lookout! Every story comes from a worldview, which they powerfully and subtly teach to our hearts. Which is why the true ones (fiction or not) are so beautiful!
Well said, Kathleen. We (SW) plan to get into the original offerings business soon. I hope it helps in some small, collaborative way to answer this profound need. Thanks so much for your comments and for reading.
Thank. You. – from the mom of a 4 yo and 2 yo always in the “garden” right now!
I am right there too. 10, 7, 4, 1. 🙂 That’s why we’re forming an alliance at Story Warren.
Coming in a few days late, but thanks for this, Sam. Some days the battle seems endless, but it’s so worth it.
Thanks, Loren. Yous said it.