I have a 12 year old daughter, and sometimes she’s kind of a tom-boy. She loves to be outside in the creek, and she’s not afraid to mix it up with her brothers. However, when she dresses up nice, from time to time people tell her that she is very pretty. She never really knows what to say to that, and it never occurred to me to help her figure it out until one night last year, when the complementing went over the top.
Our whole family was dressed up for some occasion, and a friend of my wife approached us – she hadn’t seen my daughter in a while – and practically exploded with gushing complements at her appearance. It was “WOW!! She is so BEAUTIFUL oh my GOODNESS!” this and “SO GORGEOUS YOU COULD BE A SUPERMODEL!” that. Never mind that she’s tiny-petite like her mom, and she had no idea what a supermodel was. Then, throughout the evening, whenever we would see our friend, she would return to her praise like the night was a song and that was the chorus. Eventually, I felt awkward for my daughter.
Don’t get me wrong, every healthy parent likes for their child to be praised. And my wife’s friend was being sincere and kindhearted, if effusive. But because of our warped culture where bulimia, botox and breast implants are as normal as braces, something inside me went on alert.
I tell my daughter she’s beautiful, but I also tell her she has great musical instincts and artistic taste. I tell her how smart she is and how thoughtful. I complement her on her banana bread, her problem solving skills and her industriousness, because that’s my job as her dad.
Of course, my wife’s friend did nothing wrong. On the contrary, I’m sure it was very encouraging (even if a little embarrassing) to my daughter. But I’m dad, and that evening I had one more job to do.
Before our prayers, we were talking, and I asked her if she remembered the gushing complements. I told her that when someone complements her like that, it’s OK to wait till they are done and say a simple “thank you” in return. Then I told her “You know, you are very pretty, but I just want to make sure you know, you’re really much, much more than that.” And praise the King of Heaven she said, “Thanks. I think I know what you mean.”
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Originally posted at Slugs & Bugs
Featured Image courtesy of Rebecca Smith Photography. (And yes, I [SW editor] have used it before.)
- The Well-Hidden Wisdom of Children - February 3, 2020
- We Are God’s Masterpiece: A Brand New Slugs & Bugs (Sing The Bible) Song! - July 17, 2015
- Cellphone Jones: A New (Unreleased) Slugs & Bugs Song! - April 10, 2015
Thanks, Randy. This tugs at my heart. More than pretty is the ticket.
Oh, this is wonderful. Yes, thank you.
Thanks, Randy. Yes. I think of that already with my 2-yr-old who gets lots of compliments on her cuteness. Somehow it seems different than it did with my son getting compliments, even at that age. I’m so thankful that your daughter seems to have a healthy perspective. I pray that she hangs on to it as she grows.
Wonderful! I love this. Our daughters need to know that their bodies are valuable simply because they are in them, not because they line up with some false ideal. As women we are trained to believe that we are cheap imitations of celebrity and fashion photographs. But those pictures are cheap imitations of us!
So good.
I love this. I am so so so very desperate to love our daughters well and to challenge the dominant lies that girls are told about what makes them valuable/special.
I love this. My daughter, now 6, always loved to wear tutus and pretty dresses. Often she would get compliments about how beautiful she looked. I instructed my daughter, the same as you, to say a simple thank you to compliments. I didn’t the teaching opportunity that I was missing until my sister came along and casually mentioned to Chloe about how it’s more important to be beautiful on the inside and she complimented my daughter on something she had done that reflected an inner beauty. In our culture where looks are so important, it is even more important that we be on guard for our children. Thank you for posting this. I plan to share the link with friends!