The surgeon general recently issued a new public health advisory. Forget pandemics or toxic substances; this time the source of this warning is likely sleeping under the same roof as you. The culprit: your own kids. According to the surgeon general’s report, the mental toll of raising children is “an urgent public health issue.”
As the mother of a larger-than-average family—we have five children ages 18 months to 18 years—I’d like to think I have a little credibility on this topic. My children certainly give me plenty of reasons to worry. Last week, I stood in my driveway crying as I waved goodbye to my second oldest when she left on her first solo drive. If you haven’t sent off your child behind the wheel alone, there’s nothing quite like it. A day later, my baby had an ultrasound due to a lump growing on his brow. With every problem the children have, I restlessly try to find the right and best solution. Every ache and pain they suffer causes me emotional hurt. The more you love, the more chances for heartache.
But I’d never say they’ve been hazardous to my mental health. Instead, they’ve made my world bigger and my life richer. The way they’ve changed my thinking and what I value has made me a calmer, gentler, happier person.
My children have brought so much laughter and delight. This has been highlighted in our home since the birth of our youngest baby, seventeen years younger than our oldest. Thanks to our toddler, our home has more laughter than ever, and my big kids have learned about the joy a new child brings to a family. Sometimes the toddler even laughs at us laughing at him. One of my favorite times of the day is when I take him outside to swing. He giggles in anticipation as he waits for me to pull him up as high as I can and then release him. “Wheeee!” he exclaims every single time. He claps and asks for me to do it again and again. We’ve probably done it thousands of times over the last six months, and he hasn’t tired of it yet. Neither have I. How can I not smile and laugh and delight in a baby enjoying life so much?
Having children who love to laugh makes me laugh and smile more often. They remind me not to take everything so seriously, like the time I banned lemonade from road trips because of the excessive bathroom stops. Their collective jokes about the evils of lemonade for the last five hours of the trip eventually broke my grumpiness and resulted in laughter at myself, at them, and at all the nasty bathrooms we had set foot in. If I am blessed to be an old woman with deep smile crinkles, it will be a gift from my children and proof of how much better I lived because of them.
My children have made me more aware and interested. They have expanded my world by introducing me to new wonders. Every time we’re outside, and they pause to marvel at a mushroom or a frog the size of their fingernail, I am reminded to stop and look. When they bring me a perfect acorn or clover, I’m amazed at what I often miss under my feet. When they tell me the story behind a song or painting, my appreciation of artists grows. When they hand me a book and tell me I have to read it, they’re bringing me into a story bigger than my own. They make me want to know more and learn more and appreciate more.
As rain fell today, the kids eagerly finished their schoolwork so they could play outside. To me, the rain is often an inconvenience. Wet jackets and shoes, postponed plans, and sloppy driving. But to my children, it’s the perfect opportunity to work on their front yard surfing. Just to the right of our biggest oak, water collects, and after a good rain, you can skim a sled along a glorious two-inch deep puddle. If you approach it fast enough, you might successfully make it across the whole puddle. And that, my friend, is surfing in our front yard. What fun have I missed out on because I wasn’t interested enough?
My children have taught me to love. They are more forgiving and understanding than I am. They have instructed my heart on how to move forward in relationships. Their loyalty and dependence models to me how to be a friend and a family member. I’ve lost my temper and have been impatient and have wronged them again and again, and yet, they love me fiercely. Sometimes I struggle at bedtime, and in their delay tactics, I am tempted to be rude and short as I try to just get them in bed. My children seem to refuse to let the sun set on my anger. How much better am I when they want that hug, that kiss, that song, that snuggle regardless of how tired I am and how selfish I want to be? I will never regretting loving stronger and better, and the children remind me of that.
Probably everyone knows that children will enlarge your heart. But if you stop and think about the brilliance of your children, you’ll realize they have also enlarged your world with delight, interest, and love. If your only focus is the worries you have for your children, then sure, maybe your children will be hazardous to your mental health. But when you allow them to instruct you on how to live a rich life, you may start living for something greater than those worries that want to consume you.
If you have kids, your life will change. But maybe you’ll find yourself laughing more, learning new things, and loving better. And your world will be larger and your life richer because of it.
“Raising children is sacred work. It should matter to all of us. And the health and well-being of those who are caring for our children should matter to us as well.”
Vivek H. Murthy, M.D., M.B.A. 19th and 21st Surgeon General of the United States
Featured image by Freepik.com
The Burkes lived overseas for three years and have been to almost 20 countries together, surviving some adventures they will never speak of to the grandparents.
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Thanks for linking the actual advisory. I read it expecting, per your description, something anti-child that I would be upset by. However, it turned out to be incredibly family-focused and encouraging. Did you read it before writing this article? It is a call to support the family at all levels of society, from government and health care all the way down to you and me checking in on our friends and offering to babysit when they need a break. Having children is not what this advisory considers the health hazard. It is the many aspects of modern society that come with having children, and I think this was very important to highlight. I find it unfortunate that your article which beautifully celebrates the joys of having children does so at the expense of twisting the source you reference to turn it into an attack on the family centered on the selfishness of the modern parent.
Marcus,
Thank you for your thoughtful response. In editing this piece, I took Jessica’s twist on the actual advisory as a playful objection, in jest only. And, as you say, I appreciated her sincere celebration of parenthood.
Now I can see how this could also be read as an adversarial response to the Surgeon General’s work. Thank you for pointing this out, and thank you for reading the advisory itself. I hope other readers will follow your example and be encouraged both by Jessica and by the Surgeon General.