Is it hard for you to praise your children’s work without adding a bit of constructive criticism at the end?
It is for me. I usually sound like this:
“You cleaned your room? Good job, it looks so much better. Except for the stuffed unicorn butt sticking out from under the bed – just put that away, and then you’ll be done.”
“You set the table? Thank you, that’s a big help! But could you come back for a second? The forks are upside-down and we need napkins.”
You wrote a story? Aw, that’s great. This is so creative; good descriptions. But what is this word you tried to spell here? Maybe you wrote it in Norwegian?”
This is a problem.
Yes, children must learn how to finish their work well.
Yes, this is exactly how I treat my own work. It’s never good enough, because there’s always room for improvement. I never finish, I just run out of time. The phrase, “God loves me,” is always the first half of a sentence that ends, “despite all my faults.”
But that’s no excuse. This is a problem, because the child-like part of our minds – the bit most linked to our emotions – can really embrace only one idea at a time. Either “Jesus loves me,” or, “all my faults,” but not both at once, except in a very grown-up, abstract way.
As a result, I sometimes struggle to believe that God loves me. I try to spare my children this struggle by paraphrasing Brennan Manning’s declaration that, “God loves you just as you are, not as you should be, because you’ll never be as you should be.”
There is great freedom God’s love: The freedom to try new things, to fail, to Not Take Ourselves So Seriously, to enjoy Just Trying, to love unreservedly. I want my kids to have more of this freedom than I do. So maybe I could help them better by giving more simple praise, sometimes leaving off the suggestions for improvement.
Maybe while they are children is a great time to let them, child-like, embrace being loved without competing thoughts.
He occasionally blogs at jamesdwitmer.com or @jamesdwitmer, spends his free time digging in the garden with his wife, and is pleasantly surprised to find that loving his family makes meaningful change in the world.
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James! Dude, I just read this line in a Brennan devotional a few mornings ago. I remember it well just because it made me stop and think about what that means.
There are so many times I think back on raising our kids and wish I could go back and show them unconditional love, or love at all in some cases. They’re all grown up now, so I try and make up for it every day. Don’t miss another opportunity to make them feel incredible 😉
Thanks, Joe. I’m giving it my best shot. 🙂
I struggle with this too, James, although not in quite the same way. I think partly it’s a reaction to a culture that praises children endlessly for things that aren’t really praiseworthy, a culture that seeks to build self-esteem rather than character. It’s a tough balance to find. Thank you for this!
Helena, it is a tough balance, because it requires knowing our children, and ourselves better than we can without wisdom from above. Glad to have encouraged you.
“Embrace being loved…” Beautifully said, James. I find that the instinct to self-criticize is so instinctive. I typically don’t need anyone else to tell me that something wasn’t good enough; I can take care of that all by myself. It has to be the same way with my kids. So me pointing something out is kind of like piling on.
Definitely true for my kids. I’ve been convicted for a while that my parenting could use more gentleness, even in teaching moments.
I love this concept, and I hate when my praises end with a caveat, BUT… 🙂
What do you now do about the unfinished work? How DO you actually balance praising their efforts with teaching them to pursue a job well DONE?
I think it’s high time to add this to the list of things I ask the Lord to help me improve in HIS way.
Jme. I do… a little bit of everything?
I try to pay better attention to how the children approached their little jobs. If they worked with focus and a heart to obey, but one little thing is still out of place – I try to just let it go, or even quietly fix it myself. I’m learning that their developing brains honestly can’t always take in a situation (bedroom, kitchen table, etc) and see what’s out of place the way mine does. Sometimes, it needs to be enough that they corrected everything they saw.
But, if they were asked to do something and clearly made only a half-hearted effort, trying to get done and get out – then, they have to come back and do the job properly.
Every parent has an over-strong tendency in some direction, and mine is to be a hard-nosed sonuvagun. So it’s really good for me to shush and just serve them sometimes. Of course, your story may play out a little differently. I think you nailed it with this:
This is so convicting! And I usually know, even as the words come out of my mouth, that I should have held back the second half. Bravo for the great reminder!